DRINK IN CLASS: IT’S YOUR DUTY!

Rice University is a wonderful college, but even the most loyal student must admit some of the classes are a little boring. Actually, it is safe to say most lectures are downright painful. We go to class wanting to learn and only find ourselves slipping into sleep, as a majority of professors fail to present their material in any interesting fashion. Attendance is a necessary part of the academic experience, but that doesn’t mean the students should be subjected to endless hours of TA’s stuttering out equations in broken English. There must be a way to remain in class and yet make lectures tolerable. And there is a way: students should drink in class.

Alcohol is the key for enjoying classes. Five reasons to drink in class:

1. Alcohol makes the most boring things entertaining. Listen: you’re never going to understand quantum mechanics anyway, so you might as well sit back and let a White Russian make those crazy little electrons your best friends. Drinking in class will make the material and the teacher infinitely more exciting, decreasing the chance of falling asleep and making sure you can at least listen to all covered material.

2. Drinking drastically improves in-class discussion. Face it: whenever a professor opens the floor to students, most remain silent as two or three loud-mouths blab for an hour. A little bit of tequila dissolves all shyness and allows even the most timid student to speak out. Surprisingly enough, drinking in class would increase student participation and the educational value of the classroom.

3. Making those back-breaking desks more comfortable is a major benefit which cannot be ignored. No one actually enjoys sitting in a school desk–and if you do, you need to be tested for scoliosis. It is fantastic how a little bit of beer can make those torture-racks feel like hammocks.

4. This is the exciting one. Although this article is only encouraging responsible drinking in class, we are aware that there just might be an occasional individual who takes it a little too far. This is the best possible reason to drink in class. Imagine how eager we would be to go to class knowing someone may strip during a lecture, throw a chair when a pop-quiz is announced, or try hitting on the teacher during a presentation. It would be a rare occurrence, but amazing and hilarious stories would come about: “Did you hear Danny proposed to Gao?”

5. Alcohol will turn the classroom into a dating scene. Rice already has wonderful parties to find a date, but unfortunately hundreds of students confine themselves to class and the library. For the first time ever, drinking in class will allow the socially awkward kids to get some attention. You’ll finally have enough courage to ask that Asian chick from orgo out on a date.

It may be difficult to visualize now, but drinking in class will improve attendance, learning, and the social community at Rice. It is nearly impossible to improve class by finding professors who want to make the educational process enjoyable, so you might as well drink until Captain Jack takes you to that very special place. It is what Willy would want.